The Awful Truth

AP Photo/Kiichiro Sato

“Horror. Absolute horror."
—Last Comic Standing winner Alonzo Bodden on how the possibility of Sarah Palin becoming president strikes his acerbic soul.

bauergriffin.com

We’re not exactly sure what we’re lookin at here—all signs (the tattoos, the hair, the redhead beside her) point to this stick figure in a swimsuit being Samantha Ronson, but we’re not so certain. Guess we never really wondered what lied beneath S.R.’s DJ duds. Turns out, a baby-pink bikini. Never saw that one coming. Now that’s a shocker that deserves its own People cover.

Do you think she indulges in her ultragirlie side when she thinks no one’s looking? Or did Sammy-pie finally get so fed up with all the butch name-calling, she decided she wants to look more feminine from now on? Will we see Linds with cropped hair wearing Converse sneakers and a men’s dress shirt tomorrow?

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Steve Granitz/Getty Images, Lisa O'Connor/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
I just read the comments about Brangelina and my question is…Did you notice that Jen Aniston closed the cancer telethon that all three networks ran simultaneously and less than three weeks later Brangelina's "people" are reporting that they donated 2 mil here and 1 mil there? I think Angelina is a total fraud/druggie.
— Ms. P

Dear P Must Be for Pissy:
Bitter, much? Paranoid often? And if the Jolie drug to which you refer is infamy, oh, yeah, sister, you be right on that score.

Dear Ted:
Petered Metered from One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice is totally Mario Lopez, right?
—Lttl Brat 

Dear Too Much Access:
He does fit, but it’s not him. Think less of an obvious meathead.

Dear Ted:
After reviewing the poster of the upcoming movie Changling, I believe that the powers that be should have their heads examined. They spend millions on the production and promotion of this movie and then appear to have little regard for how the poster looks. Most posters give you some idea of the movie content.
—Carolyn

Dear ChangeASAP:
Get the Wanted poster. Change the title to Changeling. Might not be the same plot, but makes about as much sense and is way cooler.

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Todd Williamson/Getty Images, John Shearer/Getty Images

Jenny McCarthy in Miami, makin’ an in-store appearance at the grand opening of an FAO Schwartz. Babe’s had a long way from Playboy to toy stores, no? Jen looked all sorts of gorge in a green frock and pumps, speaking to the big crowd about the importance of imagination. (We bet all the daddies in the crowd were imagining Miss McCarthy back in Playboy.) Our snappiest member of Desk SoBe, Martin Haro, asked J.M. what movie she’s lookin’ forward to, and without a moment’s hesitation the mommy hottie answered back, “Yes Man.” Here’s a gal who stands by her man, even in horribly predictable movies. M.H. also grilled J.M. on which current flick she was most excited for. McCarthy actually answered, “Nights in Rodanthe.” I know this bitch is dead-pan, but is she that glib? I fear not. Not quite sure we like how much major domestication has calmed this babe. Equally predictable elsewhere in the same state was…

Nicky Hilton, who was takin’ a gal’s vacay away from boyf David Katzenberg at the Gansevoort South. The stick-thin sweetie was actually eating and drinking with four gal-pals in a poolside cabana. OK, the munchies were just fruit plates, but swallowing is a start for someone as emaciated as N.H., who our beachy onlooker swears  “was soooo skinny! The smallest I’ve ever seen her!” The buncha babes took a dive into the pool, with Nic (obviously the sugar momma for the group) leaving a big ol' tip. And here’s one for Miss Hilton: Order a cheeseburger next time. Hardly masticating on the other coast was…

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Jun Sato/WireImage.com

“I would show her what’s hot and what’s not. She thinks she has style, but she doesn’t.”

—Rock of Love 2 reality-show contestant Ashley Dingess on how she would convince Pare-poo to make her her new BFF. Uh, we don’t think that tactic is gonna work, sorry, hon.

PacificCoastNews.com

You’ve heard, right? The L.A. district attorney has charged others involved in Shia LaBeouf’s midsummer car crash, just not him. Let’s see, even though S.L. was reportedly not entirely sober, it’s the other car’s passengers who get nailed (for lying about who was driving, apparently). That’s a good one.

Is all of this because LaBeouf was taken straight to the hospital for treatment of his banged-up hand and refused a Breathalyzer test in the process? Gosh, and were some other nasty field-sobriety tests somehow forgotten, office of the district attorney, can you explain that one? Uh-huh. And is this so ‘cause he’s famous or rich, or both? Love how these nobodies who hit LaBeouf get hit with the blame when, seems to me, LaBeouf’s driving abilities certainly may have played a part in the degree of the accident, regardless whose fault.

And isn’t it the law to be tested for such alcohol culpabilities whenever you drive in the state of California? Yep, believe so. But I guess, like I said, perhaps not for the rich and famous and still young? Like, screw Heather Locklear, ya know, ‘cause she’s over the hill, and let’s just take camera-phone shots of her while she’s down, Mr. Coppers.

But Shia’s gonna be at the box office this weekend, go Team Double-Standard! Let’s not even get into how hard-partying Shia’s complaining that much of this nastiness is the press’ doing, not his, I’m already about to puke.

ABC/KAREN NEAL

It's shocking who's playing that little seductive game of peekaboo with us. As a matter of fact, it's our fave 29-going-on-40-year-old, Katie Holmes. This is a snap from Kate's upcoming role on Eli Stone, and it gives us a mixed feeling.

K.H. playing sexy gives us the icks a little bit, but since you can't see her face, we kinda forget that she's Missus Tom Cruise for a sec. The long gloves and the flip of her hair are reminiscent of the fab Old Hollywood pinup style, and the sexy crisscross back is always a winner.

Granted, we don't see Kate dressing up in such a tight getup for her hub-unit, so maybe this will wipe away that nooky-frustrated look she's been sporting around InWhySee. It's nice to see her play a part where she can act her age and have a little fun for a change.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder

Santa Barbara Police Department

First, the good news: Heather Locklear is 47 and still doesn't have a wrinkle on her. Whether it's Botox or elegant ageing doesn't matter—gal is still stunning, even when she looks terrified.

The bad news: After Heath was arrested in Santa Barbara because of "erratically driving" under suspicion of a non-alcohol, controlled substance, her custody sitch with equally dubiously traveling ex, Richie, doesn't look good. Jeez, we gettin' another case of which is the less combustible parent, à la K-Fed and Brit here? Hope not. Hey, at least it wasn't booze, that's sorta refreshing for a change of pace.

Looks-wise, since we're very, very shallow folks here at A.T., H.L.'s signature coif could sure use a comb-through, and babe's mascara is running around her saucer-size eyes faster than J.Lo during a triathlon. But how many people could look this fresh-faced after being picked up by the po po? At least Lock-hon doesn't have to add "beauty" to her list of growing problems.

What's wrong, Heathie? Starting to regret your David Spade days? Hope ya get some help—we like seeing your picture taken on a red carpet or at a beach, not in jail.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

We headed over to the piss-ass 'hood of Bel-Air yesterday to checkout the Yes! On Prop 2 fundraiser hosted by newlyweds Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Prop 2, 'course, is a measure that will end cruel and inhumane treatment of animals by putting a stop to cramming critters into cages so small they can't even turn around or lie down.

"If someone actually took the time to educate themselves and look at the footage of what those cages look like...Their excrement is just dropping on top of chickens below," preached a concerned E. "Let's say you don't care about animals, but you care about health. You would never ever eat anything like that if you saw the footage. Take the time to look at how those chickens are raised and see for yourself if that's healthy to put in your body."

My, how far the babe's come since Iggygate! And, of course, she's right. It really is big-time gross, so we urge any of you Cali resident's to check out the footage and vote yes come November.

Another issue that hits close to home for the couple is Prop 8—the one that's trying to overturn the gay marriage ruling. Surely this is something you're fighting, too, girls?

"Yes, we're fighting! It's yes on [prop] 2; no on 8...We're working on something that will be very cool if it happens...something big right now," Ellen gabbed, trying not to give it all away. "We gave our pictures to People magazine not because we wanted to share our personal life with everybody. We gave them, we didn't sell them, to represent love. We wanted to put a face out there...We want the same rights that everybody else wants. This is who we are, this is what you're trying to stop from happening."

Sweet, yeah, whatever.

Thoughts on new faces, Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan coming out? "I think everybody does it in their own time. Whatever makes them feel comfortable. I just know, for me, living your truth is the best way you can live."

So how is living the married life? An elegant Pee, who had been silent until now with her arm around Ellen, turned to us giving that gorge smile with a hint of mystery and simply uttered, "It's just fantastic." Have to agree, on several diff levels.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder

Jeff Vespa/Getty Images; Jean-Paul Aussenard/Getty Images

It's not as though Sharon Stone wasn't trying last week at the annual Macy's Passport AIDS fundraiser. There she was, talking all about what a "bad girl" she was, and so forth, trying her damnedest to get folks to bid on pricey items before the fashion show itself. Not many takers. Was it the economy? Was it the Palin pall?

Was it Elizabeth Taylor barely making it through her speech alive? Why cohost Kathy Ireland sat there like a dumb douche bump on a log while Taylor sputtered, instead of helping the damn old woman, is considerably beyond me. "Someone really should help Elizabeth," whispered Traci Bingham, my seatmate for the show. "It's really sad."

Yeah, but not nearly as upsetting as the fact that that rich-ass bastard fiancé of Bingham's still hasn't set a wedding date, five years after their damn engagement. "You should take that rock and run," I bitched. "Don't worry, I just might," Trace responded about the huge 10-carat, marquis-cut stone. "I've been thinking about it."

T.B.'s also got another boob-tube show on the brain, something she says she's bringing out with Fox next spring. "It's like America's Next Top Model," said Bingham, "only they'll act, and perform and be athletic, as well." She added, "Like me!"

"Will you be as bitchy as Tyra and make fun of the contestants like she loves to do?" I asked. "No. Don't you hate that," Traci snapped back. Uh, yeah.

20TH CENTURY FOX

First up, you always buy Newman's Own everything, too, I trust? I always have, as proceeds go toward drug rehabilitation causes (in memory of Newman's own son, Scott, who died of an overdose years ago), among other right-minded charities. This ain't no Lindsay Lohan leggings franchise. Hmmm, speaking of which, wonder if I should stock up on a butt load of Newman's (light) Caesar dressing in honor of what L2's buds are telling me is coming 'round the over-partied bend yet again? Just a thought, as this bit is about Newman, not Lohan, jeez, what a preposterous Hollywood comparison if there ever was one.

My Esquire bud, Scott Raab, the irascible journo (and author of Real Hollywood Stories) known for getting the edgier quotes out of T-town types, sat down with Newman a few years ago. He was cranky, Raab was cranky, it was all machismo delicious. "Our interviews have been a tooth pull for us both," S.R. wrote after visiting Newman in the Connecticut home where he just passed away. "I can't tell if he's half deaf or just deep...if he's pissed off or tired or bored or all of the above." Ah, I vote that the gorgeous blue-eyed legend was fully alert, as he chirped up astute and sage secs later:

"In a debased celebrity culture that rams cow shit down every goose's craw and calls it pâté, what does it mean to be a star?" wrote Raab. "If Brad and Leo are icons, what does that make Paul Newman?" he asked the iconic actor.

"Think of the torrent of sperm out there," he said softly, so softly that Raab found himself bending toward Newman, who continued, "and that yours landed here. Stunning."

"Long odds," Scott said. And Newman nodded and added, "It is luck. It is...stunning...I never felt like a leading man, never felt it. You've gotta feel like a leading man in order to be a leading man, and I never had that kind of confidence."

Coulda fooled me, old man. Miss you much. Loved your rebel ways and everything else.

Michael Owen Baker/Los Angeles Daily News/ZUMA Press

Here's your reminder to call your mutha today and tell her "shana tova" for Rosh Hashanah, beginning tonight at sundown. For all you non-Jews out there, the big R.H. is the Jewish New Year, and it's all about looking back at the mistakes you've made in the past 365 days and how you can steer clear for the year ahead. (Take note, Ryan O'Neal, you very bad liar—you were just safekeeping drugs from your son, my still fairly taut ass.)

So, ya see, Yom Kippur (Oct. 8 this year) is all about atoning for your sins and sayin'...sorry. Every celeb, Jewish or no, should be honoring both holidays this year, fer sure. That's what we friggin' say. Here's our top list of who needs to atone for their sins the most from this past year:

Clay Aiken
Should Make Amends With: His Claymates, who are shocked and appalled by him lying to them for all these years about his sexuality. The same people are requesting an apology from the sky for being blue.

Sarah Palin
Should Make Amends With: Women and gays. And all the wolves she's hunted down.

John Mayer
Should Make Amends With: Minka Kelly, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston for lovin' and leavin' so easily, like women are deflated blow-up dolls or something.

Jay-Z & Beyoncé
Should Make Amends With: The paparazzi, for actually making their wedding a private affair without anybody making money off of it—how dare they!

The Lohans
Should Make Amends With: Each other. But since that'll never happen, we suggest the media, instead. For using us instead of family counseling.

Patrick Swayze
Should Make Amends With: Himself, for still smoking even after being diagnosed with cancer. Almost feel idiotic wishing you a speedy recovery if you're not gonna help yourself first.

Katherine Heigl
Should Make Amends With: The Grey's Anatomy writers—quickly, before Izzie suddenly and unexpectedly becomes a mute.

Shia LaBeouf
Should Make Amends With: Paris, Nicole Richie, Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan, for getting completely off the hook for drunken-driving charges.

Katie Holmes
Should Make Amends With: The fashion community, for introducing rolled-up baggy jeans back into the mainstream.

Jessica Simpson
Should Make Amends With: Country music in general.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain